Aishah Ansari

MIND your Health Part II

August 9, 2018

Catch up on Part I

There was no way out. As much as I pleaded and begged, I was trapped - I sobbed and screamed. It was going to be okay though - I was going to wake up and it would all be over. To my shock, I was awake but I would much rather have been asleep for as long as possible so I wasn't living a nightmare every day. As soon as my eyes would open, they would fill up with tears... I didn't want to get up. I wanted to lay there for as long as I could.  I didn't have a straightforward response as to why I felt this way. I just did, and that's all I knew. 

You see, maybe to others it looked like nothing was wrong. That's because the wounds were on the inside of my mind. It did not matter how many people I was surrounded by - I was still alone. It did not matter how many people said "I am here for you" - I was still alone. What was the point anymore? Well, it didn't matter, because everything that was happening to me was all my fault. And before I knew it, I was a burden to those around me. 

I didn't want to see or talk to anyone yet needed someone, anyone, to hear my cries. I wanted to talk about it. Damn it - I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout, but all I could ever whisper was "I'm fine". I had to keep living until I felt alive again. I smiled, but wanted to cry. I talked but wanted to be quiet. I pretended to be happy but I wasn't. There was nothing like the feeling of my chest trying to carry the weight of the emptiness that encompassed my soul. 

No one understood. No one did, and no one ever will understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, or loneliness. I would never be happy. I would never please anyone, be successful..heck maybe I wouldn't even graduate high school. It was so much more than just feeling sad. Depression and anxiety are different because there is nothing like feeling terrified and exhausted at the same time. I was afraid of failing, but I didn't have the energy to be productive. I needed friends, but dreaded socializing. I wanted to be alone, but felt lonely. I felt everything at once, and was still numb. I couldn't control my thoughts, they controlled me. People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong, depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Numb to emotions and life. You wake up in the morning just to go back bed again. 

You yourself don't understand depression until you cannot stand your own presence in an empty room. 

It's taken a lot out of me, but I am so happy to be able to share my experience with you. If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to email me, DM me, message me, etc. 

With all due respect, if you had a week of what you self-diagnosed as depression then think you came out on the other side and now pride yourself in being an 'advocate'. Kindly, just don't. Leave it the professionals. If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please contact a medical professional. 
xo Aishah Ansari

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